The Trip From Hell
by Alice Hates Wonderland
Summary: East Headquarters in under Renovation for a week, and what does Roy and his subordinates do? They go on a trip to the beach. Full of crazy days and nights how will it go? slight Royai. Riza Centered.
1. Phones and Two Pieces

Chapter 1: Phones and Two Pieces

A/N: This is about a year since I last posted, so please cheer for me. This is the crummiest comedy, but I really wanted to do this. Please send my nice reviews, because if I ever update, looking back on comments is like coffee to me.

This story is Riza centered, just cause she's easier to get into what she's thinking, plus I just love her. (And no I'm not gay). Please don't flame me...I wouldn't do that to you...

I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST. IT BELONGS TO MISS HIROMU ARAKAWA AND BONES.

* * *

"No Way!" Roy said smiling, grasping the telephone like he couldn't contain his excitement. All the eyes in the room (including Breda, Fallman, Fuery, Havoc, and of course Riza) were glued to their superiors energetic movements as he listened to whatever the person on the other line said.

"Oh, that's perfect!" He said looking down at a date book that he literally used for dates with the women of East city. As he started to end his conversation with the person on the end, Riza set down the stack of papers in her hands on Roy's desk. He waved his hand in signal of "Wait, hold on a minute. I've got great news". Riza rolled her eyes, '_And he procrastinates again...'_ She thought. Roy then finally hung up the phone and stood from his desk in front of a set of desks for his subordinates. He paused, as if to give his men and one woman time to feel anxious about the news.

"Well sir?" Riza asked. Roy turned to look at her then back at everyone else.

"We're going on a vacation!" He yelled out in excitement. Everyone on the room was taken back, then they gave him blank stairs.

"What?" Roy asked.

"Don't you have work to do Colonel?" Breda asked looking at the stack of files on Roy's desk and then back at him.

"Well, yeah..but..." Roy's gaze shifted to the papers then back at his crew. Roy just stood unabashed. "We have to go!" he said.

"Orders sir?" Riza asked looking onto the file she was half-reading. The other half was listening to the guys.

"No, East head quarters is undergoing renovation for a week and I thought it would be great to go away for a week!" Roy said excited.

"But shouldn't we go to Central?" Fuery asked.

"Not if we say were going to Central but got on the wrong train." Roy slyly added. Havoc smiled.

"Very swift sir." He said, cigarette moving up and down in his mouth. Breda, Fallman, and Fuery nodded. Riza just sat silent.

"Sir, you do realize that the higher ups DO know you. They'll know you were just getting sidetracked and they will reprimand you." Riza added with her killjoy voice, although time away did sound fun.

"Yeah, but it's worth it." Fallman defended Roy, he was determined to go on this trip.

"Plus, I don't have any dates that week that matter!" Roy stated. All the men in the room pondered '_If they don't matter, then were do we measure. You'll still take time off and go to see that girl' _

"That matter?" Havoc asked.

"I don't really want to go on those dates to bad. I'll just re-schedule." Roy said writing something down in his date book. The guys sighed. Riza stood up out of her chair to go put the file in the bookshelf behind her. Roy walked over to her, the guys were all ready to go, but he seriously wanted Riza to go.

"Come on Lieutenant, it'll be fun. Black Hayate can come to!" Breda swallowed. "Besides, we want you to come." Roy pleaded. Riza put the file back and looked at Roy with her hazel eyes. She sighed.

"Alright. But you better be ready for a slap on the knuckles from Central when we get back." Riza said, she didn't even realize the words coming out of her mouth. She had just give Roy permission to goof off. '_I regret this already' _she thought.

"Where are we going?" Fallman asked, Roy gave an evil grin.

"The...beach." Roy said. All the guys practically collapsed in a heap. Hawkeye just sighed once again. '_Typical' _She thought. Only Roy would take his subordinates on an impromptu trip and where they would go? The beach.

"Let's all get packed, the trip's Monday!" Roy stated and, although unwillingly, returned to his desk to finish his work. Riza, although glad, was very unsure of the trip ahead.

By the time Riza had gotten done with work, most children were already in bed. Riza went home that night dreading the Monday that awaited her. Thank goodness it was Friday and she had the weekend off, because she needed as much alone time as possible to prepare for the week ahead. On her walk home with Black Hayate at her side, she started to ponder the events of the day.

"Riza, what were you thinking?" She asked herself. Black Hayate jumped at her heels as if to cheer her up. Riza smiled at him. On her way home she bought today's paper and some food for the weekend. When she got home to her apartment, she fed Hayate and proceeded to cook for herself. After finishing she turned on the radio and started to read the paper. Sure enough, one of the headlines read "East Headquarters Under Renovation". She frowned and looked at her clock. It was already close to midnight. She cleaned up and headed to sleep. Black Hayate followed.

Riza awoke from her nightmares about the week ahead by her phone ringing. She awoke and half asleep, answered the phone. It was Roy.

"Colonel, it's 6:00 in the morning, you usually sleep in." She was really surprised to find Roy awake.

"Look I know that you really don't want to go, but I've got a sure fire way to make you come." Roy said, he was surprisingly awake this morning.

"What are you planning?" Riza knew Roy well enough to know that he was scheming something this morning.

"I paid for your expenses. For your room and your ticket. Hell, I'll pay for your food if you truly want." Riza woke up immediately.

"What...did you just say?" Riza asked.

"I paid for your room and ticket." Roy acted as if this was normal.

"Sir, you didn't need to do that, what about the guys?"

"Screw them, they wanted to go, but you didn't so...I can't really go any deeper than that." Roy said, Riza didn't realize it (and neither would Roy) but she was blushing. She shook it off.

"Well, thank you sir." Hayate then started scratching at her leg giving her a look of "if you don't let me out soon I may get shot". "Sorry sir, but Hayate needs out." She bid farewell to the Colonel and walked outside to her apartment building's courtyard. Hayate then proceeded to run around playing and finding the perfect spot. Riza smiled as she watched him run.

"I wonder if you'll have more fun than I will." Riza asked. The courtyard wasn't much, just a tree in the middle of a concrete path with bushes spread this and there throughout. There was a wrap around porch around the courtyard. Riza walked up the stepped up the stairs to the porch as Hayate ran to catch up to her.

When Riza made it back to her room she collapsed on her bed. Riza had told herself that she would never use the elevator at her complex, because it looked and felt like it was going to fall off the hinges. She had walked up six flights of stairs just so she could get exercise and not die by being trapped in that elevator. She woke up again at nine and started to pack her suitcase. She put in civilian clothes for the trip and her uniform for the train ride. She then also realized that she had a problem. Swimsuit. She hadn't bought one in two years. She then decided that she needed to go find one. She grabbed her purse and walked downstairs. The heat was stifling, she realized that summer had really set in. She also noticed that it would be hotter down at the beach.

Sighing she walked to a department store. Inside a man sat at the swimsuit area, he was tall and had hair that spiked up in the front.

"Um...I need a swimsuit...but I want a reserved one..." Riza said blushing, looking around at all the two pieces that models were wearing. The man frowned.

"Sorry, but the ones you see are the only ones we have." His voice was very high. Riza started to go completely red.

"What?" She said. The man nodded.

"But I have the perfect thing." He said as he took her hand over to a hanger and pulled out a pink top that started at the neck and ended right at her ribs. For bottoms there were short camo shorts. And in shorts, it was barely longer than underwear. Riza blushed.

"Is that all you have that's reserved?" Riza definitely didn't call that reserved in any dictionary. The man nodded. Riza looked at the other suits. He was right. She was ready to leave so she just bought it. As she walked home, she saw Havoc, Breda, Fallman, Fuery, and Roy walking toward her. She couldn't believe her eyes, '_What are they doing here? Other than making this day even worse than it already is' _She thought. They were laughing by something that Havoc must have said, although Havoc had a tendency for misplaced jokes, and they were carrying travel books, they must have been at a travel agency or something. Riza walked by an alley and just as she was going to duck in to avoid them, Fuery spotted her.

"Oh, Lieutenant Hawkeye, what are you doing here?" They said as the line of guys stopped right in front of her and in the middle of pedestrian traffic. They all got some annoyed looks.

"Oh, hello everyone." Riza said, wanting this to be a brief conversation and hoping none of them would notice the bag in her hand. "I'm just on my way home." She said.

"You excited for Monday?" Breda asked, Riza blushed.

"Something similar." She said. Just then Roy noticed the bag.

"What's in you hand Lieutenant" Roy asked. '_Damn' _she thought.

"Oh...Nothing..." Riza said blushing. Roy grew curious.

"What's in the bag?" They all seemed to ask at the same time. Riza started to grow nervous.

"It's nothing really..." Riza said. Havoc started to approach her. Riza instinctively reached for her gun, but she sadly did not have it on. '_Shit!'_ She thought. Havoc grabbed the bag from her, and Roy grabbed it from him. He then gave it back to her. Riza was moved, what's wrong with Roy, he never would do that to me any other day. She had to admit he had been nice to her about this whole trip. Maybe because he knew she was dangling on the edge of not going.

"We'll see you Monday Hawkeye." Roy said. Riza did her salute.

"Yes sir." She said and they walked right past each other. The guys were sending Roy looks.

"Swimsuit." Roy said. The guys sent different looks.

"What?" they all asked.

"There was a two piece swimsuit inside." Roy said. The guys all looked at him. They then looked back at Riza who was walking as fast as she could to get home. Then they all started to laugh.

"Hawkeye in a two piece!" Breda said.

"The scary Hawkeye tries to seduce her victims!" Havoc said. Then out of no where a rock hit Havoc on the back of the head. A way behind them stood Hawkeye, pissed off and holding another rock.

"What did you say Havoc?" Riza said her voice calm despite the obvious anger on her face.

"Nothing." They all said and hurriedly walked to there next location, no one dared to speak until they were safe inside the store.

* * *

A/N: Ok! Finally a fic!! Yay!! I totally slacked off a ton, but I don't care!

Hawkeye's Swimsuit was based off a picture I found of Riza, Roy, Ed, Winry, and Black Hayate at the beach. So I DID NOT COME UP WITH IT!! Please don't flame me about it, because it was in a picture that seems to be from miss Hiromu Arakawa. So yea...no saying "that's OOC" or "that isn't what she'd wear" because yea I know..

I promise the next chapter will be funnier, but this one I had to start off so that I could build that story. Yea...

READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!!!


	2. Glomp

1The Trip from Hell

Chapter 2:Glomp

A/N: Dearest All I want to thank all who commented on the last chapter. I feel loved! Ok, the link to the pic that everyone has asked for is on my profile, though it will only be there for a little while, then I may upload it to Photobucket, so yea... Oh, and I did base one part off of Ninja Nonsense because I love that show and that whole part reminded me of something Roy and his men would do as Riza sits and gets pissed. ON WITH THE TRIP!

Monday Riza spent going over a file that she had planned to finish on the train. It was 6:30, the train left at 9:00 (leave it to Roy to pick a leisurely time to get there), meaning she would leave at 8:00 to get there on time and board. She made sure she had everything she needed, as well as Black Hayate, who was still asleep on the foot of her bed. In honesty, she was surprised. Hayate was a light sleeper, he woke to every squirrel jumping from branch to branch, every wind hitting the stained brown window pane, and every movement Riza made. His innocent sleep puzzled her. '_Must be getting ready for the trip'_ she thought. She then decided to squeeze in a shower before she left.

After getting out she found Hayate sitting in front of the bathroom door waiting for his morning meal. Riza sighed and walked over to the kitchen. As she prepared his meal, Hayate started to scratch at the door. Riza just kept her mind on the task at hand. She laid the food down in front of Hayate and peered at the clock. It was 7:45. '_Crap!' _She thought, she was half dressed and nearly starving. '_No time!_' she rushed to finish dressing. When she had finally put her uniform on, it was 7:50, she then grabbed a bar of chocolate off her counter and grabbed her suitcase and Hayate and walked out. She grabbed a cab and she was whisked off to East City's station.

Everything went wrong. On her way there, traffic was horrendous, people were at a complete standstill, and pedestrians walked faster than they ever had been going. Deciding this was taking to long, Riza paid the man and walked the rest of the way to the station. When she got there at 8:30, everyone but Roy had gotten on the train. He handed her her ticket and took Hayate from her. Although Riza was uncomfortable with Roy taking her dog (in the clear fact that he is not very good with animals), she had no hands to donate to him. As she got to the train, it started to slowly move.

"Oh no!" Riza said. Roy started to run toward the train. Riza followed. Then quickly Roy got on the train and motioned to her.

"Throw your suitcase!" He yelled Riza obeyed, and as she did she lost a little distance with the train.

"Oh great!" Riza said sarcastically. She ran and jumped onto the train, barely landing on the train and leaning off the side. Roy grabbed for her, hands outreached to her. He grabbed her and pulled her up. She landed safely on the train. The only thing is was that she felt a little uncomfortable. In the confusion of Roy trying to grab both her shoulders, he accidentally grabbed something else. Her left breast.

"Uh...sir?" She asked, realizing that Roy hadn't even noticed yet. He was busy trying to calm himself, his eyes were on the ground it seemed. He looked up at her blushing and partially angry face. He then looked at where his hand was. He then turned red and pulled away from her, next to them they heard a man laughing.

"Oh to be young!" he said. Roy and Riza just blushed. "Do you lovers have tickets?" he asked. Riza turned away to hide her already obvious embarrassment. Roy handed him his and her ticket.

"Ok, I won't keep ya, but let's keep it PG on this train." The man said and turned away. Roy tried not to look to embarrassed, but when the man left he let out a heavy breath.

"Oh, wow..." he said, he turned to Riza who was still looking at the ground the train was passing over. "Hey, I'm really sorry, I was just trying to save you." He said. Riza turned to him and tried not to smile by his obvious embarrassment.

"Yes sir, I realize that. But it seemed like you were enjoying it a tad." She teased. Roy turned completely red.

"Let's not make this more awkward than it already is." He said. She nodded. "Let's go sit down." He said and opened the door for her. She walked through and they headed to the front cars.

When they reached their seats, the guys had already started to kill time. Havoc had brought cards so they had started to play 21. Roy joined them while Riza opened her book and started to read. This was one of the first time in a long while that she had to read a free reading book. She wasn't going to waste it playing a tedious card game. She would occasionally peer over the pages of her book to steal glances at Roy, who just shrugged the whole incident away as merely a slip of the hand. She would sigh and continue reading. So that's how the first two hours on the train passed. Eventually the guys got tired playing cards and instead got in on a conversation about what girls say to be cute.

"'I'm going on a diet tomorrow will you buy my ice-cream tonight' is the one I get the most" Roy said. The men all just sat on the edge of their seats, hoping to take notes from the true master.

"And how to you counter it?" Fuery asked.

"Obviously I just buy it, I mean, I look good and the girl acts cute." Roy said. The men all seemed to nod as if saying 'Yes, yes, of course!'. Riza started to get a little "frustrated".

"Oh I know one! 'My tail hurts, could you check it out?'" Breda added. Everyone (including Riza) looked at him.

"Uh...where did you hear that one?" Havoc asked. Breda blushed.

"Never mind..." He said. There was an awkward silence that Havoc broke.

"So about more of those sayings.." Havoc directed to Roy. Roy was about to start when Riza stopped him.

"I don't know where you are meeting these women... But no girl is that crazy to say that crap..." Riza said not looking up from her book.

"Oh, Lieutenant, I totally forgot you were there." Fallman said. They all seemed to agree.

"But Lt. Hawkeye, if you were dating a guy and he like cute girls wouldn't you-" Havoc started.

"I'd dump him if he only wanted me to be cute." Riza said.

"What if you were in a contest?" Fallman joined.

"What kind of sick contest is that?"

"What if you had to or you would die." Fuery asked.

"I wouldn't have got myself in that situation in the first place." Riza said.

"What if Roy asked you to?" Havoc said. Riza sharply turned her head to face him. Roy seemed a little embarrassed, more shocked though.

"What the hell Havoc?" Riza said. Havoc smiled.

"What if Roy told you he wanted you to be cute, would you say stuff like that then?" He pressed on, cigarette mixing perfectly with his toothy grin.

"Well,..I'd..." Riza started but then blushed and turned back to her book.

"Why would I say that in the first place?" Roy asked, saving Riza from the mocking by Havoc.

"Why wouldn't you sir? I mean, it's you." Havoc said. Roy shot him a confused look.

"What are you saying Havoc, because you are really not making sense." Roy said sending a glare of 'victory is mine', Havoc tried to start but then he just turned away defeated. Roy smiled to himself. Riza just closed her book and got up.

"I'm going to the restroom, please take care of Hayate while I'm gone." She said. Hayate, who had been asleep at Riza's feet the entire ride. Riza walked away and Fuery grabbed Black Hayate, as if to protect him from Roy and Havoc.

"Colonel, the Lieutenant seems a little angry today, what happened?" Fuery asked. Roy looked a little confused.

"What do you mean? She seems fine." Roy said, being very cryptic about the events outside. It seems that he didn't do so well because Fuery had caught on.

"If you call fine a little angry, and she's also been stealing looks at you." Breda pointed out. Roy just looked shocked.

"Well, I guess it's time..." Roy said.

"What do you mean?" Fallman asked, Roy turned to him and let out a sigh.

"She must be falling in love with me." Roy stated proudly.

"What the hell are talking about?!" They all said. Roy just looked at all three. He then turned completely pale and had a stupid look on his face. The guys all turned around, there stood Riza, gun out.

"Excuse me Colonel, please repeat what you just said." Riza ordered. Roy just let out a long sentence of gasps that were supposed to be words.

"...Oh...Hawkeye..I...I...was just talking about the intern at work!" Roy lied. Riza obviously knew.

"Nice try sir." She said and sat back down. Her gun still out in her hand. She picked up her book and started to read. Roy leaned forward.

"Riza, I was just-" Roy started and would have finished if Riza hadn't threatened him by pointing her gun straight at his forehead, eyes not drifting up from her book. Roy just sat back.

The rest of the train ride was very quiet.


	3. Elderly People love NewlyWeds to much

The Trip from Hell

A/N: Sorry everyone! I was bad and didn't update until almost a month! I'm sorry. Now that I've said that, the picture is going down and instead I'm putting a better bigger one up soon. That should be done soon. Oh, also, I don't know if there is an ocean in Amestris, let's pretend there is ok. ON WITH THE TRIP!

* * *

'_This is it, I can't stand it!' _Riza thought, her hand moving up to her head that was aching.

She was of course talking about the fact that she was starving.

She had only eaten a small piece of chocolate this morning, so she was starving. She finally started to close her book. She looked at the men sitting with her. Each of their eyes were fixed on her, or more specifically, her gun. She finally sighed, seemingly letting them know that none of them was going to die today.

"I'm going to go get something to eat. Fuery, please watch Hayate for me." Riza ordered. Fuery nodded and picked Hayate up again, his eyes not once straying from her eyes. She then turned and walked to the diner on the train. As soon as she finally closed door to this section of the train, the guys all let out held breaths.

"Man that was scary!" Fuery said.

"Why'd you have to go do that Colonel? Now she's really pissed!" Havoc asked. Roy sat silence, he was apparently freaked out.

"I….I am going to die!" Roy said, his voice shaking.

"Well Sir, she was angry, but she won't kill you!" Breda stated. Roy turned to him, shaking.

"No, it's not that….it's just….." Roy stopped and looked around. "I didn't have enough money to book two rooms at this hotel we're staying at…. It's to expensive. So…so…" Roy stopped, all his men leaned forward. "I only booked one, for me and her…." All the men leapt back.

"Why would you do that sir?!"

"You truly are dead!"

"Oh, wow, you are going to have one hell of a night!" Roy just looked at them all and then at Riza's empty seat.

"What should I do? She's already pissed off!" He asked, his men just looked at one another.

"How should we know? You're the master with women!" Breda said.

"Well, whatever you do, you gotta do it fast. Our train is almost to the city." Havoc stated looking out the window he was sitting next to. Roy's eyes widened.

"No… No way…" Roy said, and, after a moment of planning, got up.

"Where are you going sir?" Fallman asked. Roy looked at him.

"To make this quick." He stated. He then followed the way he saw Riza go.

Riza was sitting at a table next to the edge of the car reading the paper. She was trying to comprehend exactly how she got here in the first place. Her mind raced with thoughts of how this trip could go wrong. Her worst thought would be that Central would somehow find out that she told Roy he could go on this trip and discharge her from East city and make her work in Central. Although she doubted it would happen, it really scared her. She sighed and looked out at the passing land outside. It had changed from the typical sand or grass found in the East into a beautiful blue of the ocean. She was temporarily stunned from the beauty of it. That was, until Roy sat down across her at the table. She snapped back into reality, a little calmed from the scene outside.

"Uh, Riza… I'm sorry…….. About how I acted back there..." He said. Riza was unmoved.

"Did someone put you up to this? Or did you screw something up?" Riza asked, Roy felt as if she had pierced through his mind. Suddenly the train jerked forward into a stop. Riza looked outside, instead of her wonderful view of the ocean stood a station with travelers waiting to take her seat.

"We'd better go get our stuff." Riza said getting up. Roy tried to grab for her but instead got up and followed her. When they returned to their seats they found the guys waiting for them with everyone's stuff. Riza grabbed hers and they all proceed to dismount the train. When they got off, Roy grabbed a cab for Riza and himself while Havoc got one for all the guys. They all rode down busy streets of tourists and townies alike until they reached a hotel that towered over a small ridge that led directly to the beach.

They all paid the drivers and left for the front desk. Havoc went first to check in with his room-mate, Breda, while Fallman checked in Fuery and himself. Roy then followed, meanwhile Havoc and the like kept Riza busy. Roy had almost finished when an elderly couple next to him saw that Riza was to be his room-mate and started to make assumptions.

"Oh, on your honeymoon?" the elderly man asked. Roy, who towered over him, started to speak when the man's wife interrupted.

"Oh, excuse me miss!" She flagged the woman behind the desk over. "Can we upgrade their room to the honeymoon suite! We'll pay the difference!" The woman nodded and started to calculate the difference. Before Roy could object the elderly woman gave the woman the money and she smiled politely. She bowed to Roy and then her and her husband walked away yelling.

"You be good to her!" Roy just stood there. The woman behind the desk gave him the keys to the room. Roy accepted them and walked over to the group waiting for him.

"Old friends of yours sir?" Riza asked. Roy just nodded.

"Let's go set our stuff down. Don't you think going to our rooms would be good Sir?" Havoc teased. Roy glared at him.

"Yeah let's go!" Breda agreed. Roy just tried not to reach into his pocket and turn them all into ash.

"Yes, sir. I think this is best." Riza said. Roy just pretended to smile. He then braced himself for the hell ahead.

* * *

A/N: This wasn't where I had planned to end it, but I'm running out of time. So sorry. The next chapter will be full of awkward and funny moments.

And also I have a serious Royai fic that I plan to publish soon, so be on the look out for it!


	4. Room 1408

The Trip From Hell

The Trip From Hell

A/N: Finally I got my story updated! Die monsters of procrastination! Just kidding. I'm so sorry for the wait. I'll go update more. I'm gonna be gone at the end of the month and I plan to have at least one more update until then.

3 Thank you sooooo much for all the support that you have been giving me. I just want to say thanks to all the people who keep me writing, all the reviewers. I'm once again sorry I haven't updated and hope you'll understand. Read on!

Roy stood in the elevator, dreading the hell that was going to come once Riza saw their room. As they rode up, Havoc and Breda kept blabbering on about how great the rooms were going to be. Riza seemed to be to engaged with holding Hayate to notice something was up.

Havoc and Breda were sharing a room, just as Fallman and Fuery were. Roy knew he himself had a roommate, although he expected that it would be over before his stuff hit the ground. Originally Roy had booked a room that had two beds, so he thought that after the initial shock, Riza would settle down. Now they were forced to share a bed, one that would be surrounded by things to get two newlyweds in the mood. Roy started to mentally go through his will in his head, however he felt that the only person not laughing at him was Hayate. He looked down at the small puppy. The dog looked up at him then turned away as if he knew there was going to be trouble.

"You…You traitor." He whispered through his gritted teeth.

"What sir?" Havoc asked, trying not to laugh.

"Nothing." He quickly replied but then glared at the dog. It was then the dog peed in fear.

"Sir, why are you tormenting Hayate?" Riza asked, picking up her puppy, who was almost praying that she wouldn't be mad at him. The other four couldn't help but admit that the dog had emotions that were easy to tell.

Almost as soon as they got on, Havoc and Breda reached their room on the third floor. As they got off they pulled Roy close to them.

"If you die can I have your apartment?" Breda asked innocently.

"I'm so sorry Colonel, but you put yourself into this position." Fuery tried to comfort his commanding officer, however Roy couldn't feel worse.

"It was all that elderly couple's fault, giving you a nice update for your wife." Havoc joked, shoving him in the shoulder. Roy glared at him, in anger and in pure fear.

It was on floor later that Havoc and Fallman needed to get off. When Havoc got off he gave Roy the sign he was dead. Fallman just laughed as he waved goodbye. They both joked as they walked to their room

"What was that about sir?" Riza asked, turning to Roy with one eyebrow up.

"No…Nothing…" Roy said shaking. Riza just looked at him funny and then turned her attention to the dial moving up the floors.

"Sir, what floor are we on?" She asked.

"What's so important about the floor we're on?" Roy suspiciously snapped.

"I was just curious." Riza said in her monotone voice.

"Sorry, we're on…" Roy looked down to the special key that had a heart on it. Inside the heart read the floor number, fourteen. "Um, the fourteenth floor."

"Sir, is their something you need to tell me?" She asked, Hayate licking her face as if to distract her. Roy secretly thank him.

"Um… well, the rooms I booked was accidentally booked… so they switched us…" Roy said, trying not to sound scared.

"Oh, that isn't that bad." Riza said, playing with Hayate with her hand. Roy held in his sigh of relief, but then remembered that his four subordinates knew the true story, and they would tell Riza. He then fell back in the same place he was before.

It was then that the dial read fourteen and the two got off the elevator. Roy all of a sudden knew how all prisoners feel when they walked down death row. He slowed his pace, hoping Riza wouldn't notice. She didn't, she was petting Hayate. Roy looked towards her, right now she seemed so innocent, like a little girl playing with her puppy. He smiled then switched back to scared. He saw their room.

From the outside it was obvious that it was going to be a honeymoon suite. The door had on in gold numbers that read off 1408 in nice cursive letters. The door was brown with a weird pink tint. Underneath the numbers read "Do not disturb" in beautiful cursive letters. Riza looked at it as if it was a piece of a puzzle she couldn't figure out.

"Is this your room sir?" She asked, wondering why Roy hadn't taken her to her room.

"Um, no… it's actually.." He was so scared to utter the next word.

"Mine sir?"

"Ours… actually…" he then did a nervous laugh.

"What did you just say?" She then turned to him, anger and embarrassment in her face.

"Um, it's going to be our room."

"Sir, do you mean that we are sharing a room?" Roy nodded then cringed, waiting for pain. When it didn't come he looked at Riza. She looked like their was a black aura around her, her eyes angrily pointed towards him. She had a death glare. She then closed her hand into a fist and punched him upside the head.

"Sir!!" She exclaimed embarrassed. "Are you trying to get me to sleep with you?!"

"What? No! I, well… to tell you the truth I didn't have enough money to get you your own room so I arranged that we would have one room but two beds. Then when we got downstairs that old couple offered to upgrade our room to the honeymoon suite. Honestly Lt. I never meant it like that!" If looks could kill Riza would have destroyed not only Roy's body but his soul.

"How could you do this?! There is no way!"

"Why don't we just go in, if theirs a sleeper sofa I'll sleep on that and you can have the bed." Riza didn't sound convinced but angrily motioned for him to open the door.

Inside the room was a mixture of red, pink, and purple all around the room. The bed was in front of them, a red heart shaped bed with red covers and pink pillows, perfectly made. To the right was a bathroom, which held inside a bathtub fit for two. Their were candles spread about the room. Roy looked around for a couch but their was none. All that was their was a bar with barstools, the bed, and the bathroom. It was filled with pictures of roses and hearts. Riza blushed and then turned to Roy with yet another death glare.

"What are we going to do now?" Roy asked, turning to her with an embarrassed face.

"You…" She said pulling her gun out and pointing it towards the space between his eyes. "are going to find room in Havoc and Fallman's or Breda and Fuery's room." She ordered. Roy almost saluted her and walked away with his arms raised.

"Please I'm sorry!" He said.

"I will pay for this room and your troubles, but right now I need you to GET OUT!" Riza yelled, slamming the door leaving Roy and Hayate outside. Hayate looked up at him like he was sorry. Roy picked him up and pet him. It was an omen that right as he did Riza opened the door and scared the puppy so much that he peed on him. Roy didn't realize until he started to feel something wet on his chest. When Riza saw she took the dog and set him inside saying "bad dog". She then turned back to Roy.

"Do you want me to clean that for you?" She asked, feeling a little guilty knowing he had only meant the best. But it was also the colonel and his best sometimes turned out to put her in an awkward position.

"Um… well," He started when Riza opened the door for him to come in. Once inside she closed the door behind him.

"Give me your shirt." She said, referring to the outer shirt of the military uniform. He nodded and did so. It was then that they realized the undershirt also had pee on it. Riza blushed and opened her arm for him to give it to her. When he gave it to her she turned around and went into the bathroom, pulling something out of a brown messenger bag she carried with her. It was, from what Roy could tell, some kind of pet stain remover. She put some of it on the shirts and then ran water over it. She then returned the shirt to him. She was blushing.

"You're going to need to wait for that to dry." She advised. He just put up his hand and put on the undershirt, leaving the outer shirt hanging from his arm. "I'm going to call front desk to see if there are open rooms." She said, turning away from him. Roy looked down at his shirt, the whole front side was wet. He heard Riza start explaining the situation to the person downstairs.

"Well, you see, something came up and we need another room, is there any open…" She then paused and frowned at what was said to her. "Oh, I see… No it's okay… We'll figure something out…" She said, than said her goodbye and turned back to him.

"The whole place is booked." She then motioned her eyes to the front door. "I think it would be best if you would sleep in one of the guy's rooms tonight." He nodded and turned to leave. Riza turned around and looked to the bed. "This is going to be weird." She said to Hayate. He only wagged his tail and curled himself on the bed, falling asleep almost instantly. She then sat down and looked around the room, and sighed.

Roy however was walking down the hallways searching for the other's rooms. He then found the room that Havoc and Fallman claimed to be. He knocked on the door, expecting Havoc or Fallman to be there. Instead when the door opened a small demure woman appeared. Roy was about to explain he had the wrong room when the woman started to scream.

"Sex Offender! Sex Offender!" She shouted. Roy held up his hands as if to tell her she was fine but instead she took that as him trying to assault her. She then grabbed some pepper spray from somewhere inside and sprayed him in the eyes. He then fell down to the ground, eyes burning. By now the woman had slammed the door and alerted all of the neighbors, including Havoc and Fallman who were one door down.

"Sir? What are you doing over there?" Fallman asked. Roy glared at him.

"I…I thought….I thought you were in this room?" Roy said, pointing to his assailants room. They both shook their heads. Roy got up, eyes red and trudged into their rooms. They both looked at each other as if sending mental messages.

"What happened?" Havoc asked. Roy turned to him, eyes tired.

"She kicked me out. There were no rooms open, so I came here." He said exhausted. The two others looked at each other. "She freaked out."

"What did you expect? You force her to stay in a room meant for newly-weds and you expect her to smile?"

"No. I expected her to kill me, at least that ends the long agony of the trip. This will be fun." Roy said sarcastically.

"Yeah, and only seven more days." Roy groaned.

A/N: Oh, by the way, the reference to 1408 was intentional. My friends and I stayed in a 1408 and we all were freaked out. It's an ooooommmmeeeennn!


	5. Dirty Pocky

The Trip From Hell

**A/N: ***nervous laugh* It's been a while. Komenasai!!!! I'm soooo sooo sorry~! I just started a new school and- uh no excuses, blame me for all problems against society. However, I will attempt to update more. I really like writing this story, it's just… hard, especially with my outside works of my own (which in all honesty all have a better writing style) that I'm getting ready to publish. But so say the least I am so sorry, I know I've failed as a fan fiction author, and am trying to fix it.

But hey we're all human right? *nervous laugh*

By the way, the chimaeras comment was stolen from the FMA video game the curse of the crimson elixir, sorry I couldn't think of anything.

Hot is a simple word. Three letters that describes a brain perception, one that is either torturous or gentle, sick or healthy, beautiful or just plain warm in temperature, this word hot is quite a broad word.

Too broad to explain just how uncomfortable Roy Mustang was in the room with Havoc and Breda.

Now, to state evidence to back up this assertion: exhibit a) Breda snores, and not a quiet snore that isn't noticeable. No, this was an earth-shattering, ear-splitting snore that could be related to when something large and massive, at least weighing a ton is dropped on the ground. Roy wasn't a sensitive sleeper, but from horrid memories that tend to surface in the late of night, it was quite hard to get to sleep (though anyone could guess that Roy's nights in the east and central were quite, shall we say, full of activity). The added snoring didn't help.

And now we enter exhibit b: Havoc is a chain smoker, and even if he wasn't, the choice of a smoking allowed room was horrible. It was like a cigarette exploded in the room, coating everything with it's nauseating stench.

And finally, as I stated earlier it was hotter than hell, scratch that, hotter than the sun in a microwave, slowly heating from the inside out. This was the beach and it was summer, but to be in a room where air conditioning isn't working made the heat grow more and more. So much that Roy, a heavy sleeper, couldn't even close his eyes. This was only intensified by Roy's cramped condition on a couch near the wall. He grew more and more frustrated about how he couldn't sleep.

'Dammit. This must be payback for this whole mess with the Lt" he thought, his hand on his forehead, staring up at the ceiling. This constant heat reminded him of his time back in Ishbal. However, he quickly shrugged that topic away. If he went into it, sure enough sleep would never come.

He sighed as he rose from the couch. He looked over to one of the counters and grabbed his military uniform, including the over shirt and pants. He quickly pulled the pants over his boxers and snuck out of the room. He walked down the dark hallways with a growing fear. He was out of his mind, but he was also extremely lethargic and desperate for sleep.

He rode the elevator up and looked at his own body, he knew he may not know it the same way if he went through with his plan. He glanced at his watch. It was almost midnight. He sighed, but put on his brave face, thinking of exactly he would say.

He walked down the hallway with his game face on. He lifted his hand to knock on the door, hesitated, then followed through. The knock on the door seemed to ring ominously down the hallway. After a few seconds he heard the gears on the lock switch open, and then the door itself swung open. It revealed a Riza Hawkeye wearing an old t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, military issue it seemed.

"Sir? What are you doing here it's midnight?" She asked, rubbing her eyes as if it would keep her awake. She looked at Roy's serious face and knew that he was plotting something. She grew more and more curious.

"Now First Lieutenant hear me out, I know that I screwed things up and I know you deserve to hate me." He started.

"Sir what are yo-"

"Let me finish." He interrupted, his motive never leaving his grasp. "But I am your commanding officer and as such I order you to sleep with me!" He shouted. It just so happened (how ironic) that a couple back from a night of living it up walked by at just that opportune moment. They looked at him like he was a pedophile near a child. Noticing that someone was starring at him, he turned to see their glares. He just blushed, and turned to them. "No, no it's not what you think!" He said, trying to convince them. They looked to one another then quickly turned and left down the hallway. Roy was watching him as he realized he single-handedly made two more people fear the military. Riza quickly pulled him into the room before he could cause more havoc.

"Sir, I don't know what's gotten into you, alcohol or drugs, but I think you should know that I will not follow that order." She said, looking away, her eyebrow angrily twitching.

"No I meant you need to let me sleep in here. Look I went to Havoc and Breda's room to spend the night but Breda snores, Havoc smokes, and worst of all it's hotter than two chimaeras mating in a boiler room!" He said, obviously desperate. His shoulders slumped. "Please I need to sleep…" He sighed. She did the same then looked around the room. There wasn't enough room for him to sleep on the floor, the bed being huge (for reasons which you may assume), and the bar taking up free space. She realized she had no choice, there was only the bed for the two of them.

"I… guess…" she said almost as if she were in pain. His face lightened into a smile.

"Thank you Riza." He said, calling her by her first name to strengthen his gratitude. They both walked over to the bed and stopped.

"How are we going to do this?" She turned and asked him, he just looked at the bed like a starving man at food. She sighed again, then pushed him on the bed. He fell then turned, surprised. "Lieu… Lieutenant!" He shouted, his dirty mind drifting on what he thought was happening. She walked over to one side of the bed.

"Stay on that side." She ordered, then turned, facing the opposite way. Roy crawled to the opposite end of the bed and almost fell. He thought it was the most comfortable bed in the world. He fell asleep almost instantly.

"God they're both late." Fallman said, looking at his watch. The three looked at one another.

"This is the time we agreed on right?" Fuery asked, straining his memory. They all nodded.

"I wonder what's keeping them." Breda spoke watching the people walk in and out of the lobby. Havoc smiled.

"Could it be that we have just found out about the biggest cover up in the military's history?" He asked all of his comrades, a toothy grin stretching across his face. They all looked at him odd. "The colonel and the lieutenant are having an affair?" Everyone's mind drifted into their own separate idea of their affair. Fuery's was a Titanic take off, Roy stealing Riza from a pompous ass and then holding her over the front of a ship like she was a bird, Havoc was more of a military like relationship, each of them treating this like an assignment from a kinky commander. Fallman's was about Riza and Roy laying on the beach and the ocean crashing over them, and Breda's was of Roy and Riza in their office back at East headquarters, almost like a crappy porno.

As if all their fantasies were real they decided to storm the lovers and reveal their affair, not out of torture to Riza, but to Roy. Now they all knew that if that was true they had a chance at getting a girl.

When they reached the lover's hideaway Havoc pressed a finger to his lips then reached for the door knob. After the night's surprises, Riza had forgot to lock the door, and left it wide open. They were actually surprised, none of them thought this would succeed.

They slipped into the room and snuck toward the bed. They all almost fell back at what they saw. There was the couple guilty handed sleeping in the same bed. Now this normally wouldn't be a condemning piece of evidence, except for the way they were sleeping together. There they slept, Riza with one hand under her head and the other holding Hayate near her. One of Roy's arms was draped around her shoulders and the other was between her legs, in a very awkward place. As if it was too much to grasp, the four looked to one another, they were right. Just as they let out silent squeals of joy, Hayate's sleepy head rose and saw the intruders. To guard his loving master he barked as loud as he could. The bark rang out, causing the couple to slowly but surely awaken. Almost as soon as her eyes opened, she felt something was out of place. She looked down to find Roy's arms draped around her body. She pushed it away then felt something move between her legs. Her eyes widened.

"Sir, I'm giving you three seconds to remove your hand from my legs. 1…2…3" She said then turned, Roy was still asleep, but she didn't care, she pushed him off the bed and pulled her gun off of the end table near her bed. As he woke up she pressed it to his head.

"Lieutenant what's gotten into you?!" He said, trying to move away from her pressure.

"Do you even realize what you were doing!" She shouted, then her eyes drifted towards the door, then realized her audience. She then shifted the gun away from Roy and at the intruders. "What the hell are you three doing here?" She said, her voice in action mode. Hayate growled at the intruders, causing Breda to fall behind Fallman.

"Please Lt. Hawkeye!" Fallman pleaded.

"We just came up to make sure you two were okay!" Fuery explained. The three others nodded. Riza lowered her gun back to Roy. She then sighed however her gun never leaving him.

"I'm going to go get dressed, I trust I won't have any interruptions." She said, pulling the gun away and walking into the bathroom and slamming the door, leaving the group of guys all desperately trying to catch their breath. Once they did they looked to one another then the door.

"Geez, the Lieutenant sure gets fired up." Breda said, rubbing the back of his head as he looked at the door.

"That was scary!" Fuery sobbed, tears of pure fear running down his face. "I thought she was going to kill you!" he was talking to Roy, who still sat on the floor.

"I did too." He said, just looking at the door just like he did the gun.

"Sir you really should keep your hands to yourself." Havoc scolded, lighting another cigarette because he had dropped his other.

"Shut up!" Roy shouted, "You shouldn't sneak into people's rooms!"

"We were making sure you were okay." They all lied, they really came to see the love affair which they did discover, the two just didn't know it. Roy got up as they all laughed to one another at their discovery. He looked at them.

"What's so funny?" He asked, all four of them slamming their mouths shut. Havoc grew bold and answered him.

"You, did you pretend to sleep just to cop a feel?" Havoc smiled through pointed teeth. Roy grew red from embarrassment, he then turned to his jacket and reached inside to find his gloves. He pulled them out and held the pose before you snap at Havoc.

"Lt. Havoc, do you have a death wish?" he asked through gritted teeth. Havoc cowered away.

"Sir you really upset the Lt. are you going to apologize?" Fuery asked, trying to divert his attention from making Havoc into a mess for the hotel maids.

"I would if she would ever let me get close enough to apologize, before she manages to pump me full of lead." He said, looking at the door as if summoning her. She didn't come.

Riza leaned against the bathroom door hearing the boys talking to one another. She listened in anger and embarrassment as she heard Havoc teasing Roy. She looked down at her body, about to change to her civilian clothes which were luckily hanging in the bathroom. She didn't want to have to go back outside until some time had passed.

Just as she was going to leave the door she heard Fuery ask something, she pressed her ear on the door to hear better, mentally scolding herself for eavesdropping.

"Sir you really upset the Lt. are you going to apologize?" She heard Fuery's quiet voice ask. She strained her ear to make sure she heard what he was going to say in reply.

"I would if she would ever let me get close enough to apologize, before she manages to pump me full of lead." She sighed. 'No I wouldn't' she thought, though she knew he would never find out. He was much too proud to apologize for something like that. She walked away from the door, ignoring the laughs she heard from the others.

The summer heat hit hard on Riza, who didn't realize just how hot it was. Not only hot, it was humid. The thing was, she wouldn't have noticed this as much, if she hadn't been ostracized from the rest of her traveling party. She was walking with Hayate at her side and the boys trailing behind her. Roy was the only one confident enough to be closer to her, but that closeness was only in comparison to the others. In reality he was three feet behind her. She sighed once again, they were acting like grade-school boys who thought all girls had cooties.

Fuery and Breda recommended that for their first day they tour the town from the comfort of a tacky tour bus. While Roy and Havoc had strong arguments against it, Fuery and Breda ultimately won. They claimed that it'd be more fun if they knew where everything was. So that was the plan.

Riza sat on the upper deck next to the side, staring ahead and avoiding the scared glances from her party. It was almost like musical chairs, but a demented game. Breda quickly sit next to Fallman, and Havoc quickly joined Fuery leaving Roy to take the seat next to Riza. He pleaded that he was the one she was mad at, but no one would pity him. He sat next to her, also looking away. He turned to her and was about to speak when the tour guides teenage voice rang through the intercoms, including the random crack causing him to raise an octave on a random syllable.

"Welcome to our city's tour!" He said completely devoid of emotion. He then went into the welcoming conversations that are rehearsed saying his name and the driver's, although everyone forgot his name as soon as he said it.

The tour bus rolled forward, and they proceeded to see the town, except for a certain two. Roy looked away, every once in a while glaring at his subordinates, they all smiled and pointed to Riza. Riza was searching her purse for something. Roy finally worked up the courage and turned to the Lieutenant.

"Lt. Hawkeye?" He asked, watching her search her purse, she turned to him with a dirty look.

"Yes sir?" She dragged the yes on to a point saying that she was still pissed.

"Listen, about this morning," He watched as she returned her eyes to her purse. "I'm sorry." He sighed, she looked back to him.

"Are you only saying that because I threatened you?" She asked, thinking that was the obvious answer. He just looked away and rubbed his neck.

"Well, that's part of it, but I really am, I had no right, but you need to know I was asleep, I didn't mean to do it." He said, she looked at him and smiled.

"It's fine, I understand." She said, although she knew that this was the card to play in the future. Blackmail for the future. He smiled the watched as she finally found what she was looking for in her purse. She pulled out a small skinny pink box, on the front it had a pink strawberry.

"What is that?" He asked looking at the box.

"Pocky."

"Pocky?"

"It's a treat from Xing, it tastes really good. Try one." She said, holding up the box so he could pull the skinny sticks out. As he did he looked at it like a CSI would at a bottle of blood, examining closely. She smiled, holding back laughs at his extreme curiosity. She then grabbed one for herself then looked at him as he actually ate it. He obviously liked it because he ate it fast.

"That's actually good." He said, looking at the box.

"Did you not trust me?" She asked, putting the stick in her mouth. She then sucked on the strawberry part slowly.

Now, she didn't even realize it, but she was attracting quite the attention, sucking on it slowly to get the sweet strawberry cream to come off slowly.

Roy and his subordinates watched her with dirty thoughts running through their minds.

She seemed to lighten up as the taste was enveloping her mouth. She then pulled the now plain stick out and then ate it just as quickly as he did, as to keep the strawberry taste in her mouth longer.

They all stared at her in absolute wonder.

"What?" She asked, watching as they all looked away from her blushing. She didn't even realize what she did, she was just enjoying a snack.

**A/N: **Okay two quick things, A) I know for a long hiatus this was a short chapter but I didn't have an idea for the rest of the tour. So this is it, and I'll update more, this time I have internet which has been deprived from me for months. B) The story of the dirty pocky is based of a life experience. I was on a school trip and I had brought Pocky. I was sucking on it and then somebody said that this was the dirtiest way he'd ever seen pocky… I had to hold back my embarrassment, I was just hungry and it tastes so good!


End file.
